Like Jigsaws
by motoroilfreeway
Summary: Haise had always thought about the what-ifs. What if he's not a half-ghoul? What if he remembers the last 20 years of his life? What if he had a family? What if. (or an au where ghouls don't exist and Haise has little brothers named Ken and Kaneki). Kanekicest. Sasaki Haise/Tsukiyama Shuu. Kaneki Ken/Nagachika Hideyoshi/Kaneki Ken. Threesome. Warnings for rape and torture. Incest.
1. Like Jigsaws

**A/N: For Res_CVX**

 **kind of a collab thing with Res_CVX but its mostly her idea but I ended up writing this bit *cough* because I had too much ideas fuck me**

 **before I almost forgot PLEASE READ:**  
 **Kaneki = shironeki**  
 **Ken = kuroneki**  
 **they're twins in this au, and are 3 years younger than Haise, if that ain't obvious enough, heh**

 **WARNING: UNBETA'ed**

i.

20th of December, it was a cold, cold night. The snow was thick and it was giving drivers a hard time to drive. They need to wait for the roads to be plowed before they can resume to their daily routine, which was already ruined by the snow. Tokyo is a busy city, after all. A second wasted is a time too many.

It doesn't help the fact that despite the thick snow covering almost everything in white, snow is still falling from the sky.

In a hospital, somewhere in Tokyo, twins were born.

They were quite small, but it does not mean they were not healthy. It just so happens that their mother made sure she would not eat too much meals with high levels of carbohydrates so her children won't grow too big in her and give her a hard time during labor. She had a hard time giving birth with her first born, so what was the chance of her having a harder time with two? Plenty. She just wanted to be careful. She doesn't want to have orphaned children. Haise is only three years old and he cannot lose a mother right after losing his father in the same year.

Same goes with the little ones.

She was thankful when she heard the doctors say she wouldn't need a ceasarian. She could make it through the normal method, but still, it took a lot of her energy, pushing and pushing, grunting and screaming in between because her body wasn't really up to bearing children, even. But she tried.

She was panting and in the brink of passing out right after they managed to carefully pull the last infant and hear the doctor say aloud, "another boy!"

But she didn't. She wanted to see them as soon as possible.

Her children. The only memories of her late husband has left her.

She wanted to cherish them all. All three of them, since they are all she has left now.

Arima-kun, a neighbour, who was only seventeen, just came home from school when he saw Mrs. Sasaki grunting in pain, blood flowing down her legs as she tried to compose and be calm whilst pressing her head against the wall next to her apartment door. He was the one who helped the woman walk to the elevator, give instructions to focus on breathing and staying calm and bring her to the nearest hospital, with her three-year old in Arima-kun the highschooler's one arm.

He was also inside the emergency room, held Mrs. Sasaki's hand like how a husband would, since there was no one else available but him, and she really needed the support. Arima-kun took her crushing grip with a cooled expression and never forgot to remind her to breathe and provide encouragements when he deems it fit.

Arima-kun was currently in one of the seats in the waiting area, playing games with Mrs. Sasaki's three year old when one of the nurses who saw him inside the ER with Mrs. Sasaki called him over to see the children.

To be honest, he has no idea why they wanted him to see them. He's not a relative after all and he just stayed at the hospital despite his duties as the concerned neighbour is over because Mrs. Sasaki has no one to ask to look after her son for the time being.

He goes to the nursery anyway, with the toddler in his arms. He supposes the toddler has the right the see the twins and so hitches the boy higher to get a better look from the glass window.

"Say hello to you little brothers," he murmurs. Doubts the boy heard him, but he supposes he doesn't really need to tell him who the babies are when he feels the boy in his arms tense and lean closer into the glass, hands finding their way to lie flat against the surface at the sides of the toddler's face. Hears him make giddy noises and coo.

Arima stands by the window of the nursery section for a couple of minutes longer than he previously intended.

ii.

Sasaki Ken and Sasaki Kaneki at age three were inseparable.

There was not a time you will not find the one without the other. They hated being away from each other's company for too long that they would cry and won't stop calling the other.

One time their mother tried to make them grow out the habit and placed them in separate cribs located on opposite corners of the room, only to come home and see the cribs pushed together, courtesy of her eldest son. Haise loves his little brothers so much and couldn't bear the sad look on their faces or the way they would wail so loud he fears the twins would lose their voices so he pushed their cribs together, to wipe those sad, miserable looks. He wanted them to be happy, even if it would mean disobeying his mother's words, whose words Haise had always considered as law in the Sasaki household.

Mrs. Sasaki lightly reprimanded her eldest son, who since apologized sincerely, was easily forgiven. She tried separating the twins again, everytime before she leaves for work, returning home from work, and tucking them to sleep at nights.

No matter what she did though, she would always return without fail, in one way or another at the sight of her twins together, in peace in the presence of each other.

If it wasn't Haise it would be Arima-kun, their next door neighbour, who is not actually a highschooler but still seventeen on the day he found her in pain and at the brink of giving birth right outside her apartment. Turns out the boy is some sort of a child prodigy, finished criminology with the highest awards at the age of twelve and was immediately assigned to covert operations a year after. The Tokyo Police Department's pride.

Arima-kun too, at age seventeen, a few weeks after the twin's birth came over with a crib for a present. Reasoning it would be too cramped if the twins would share a crib, despite their size. He had learned that children, babies especially, grow faster than older children and it won't be long, he assures, that they would start crying because it was too cramped in their small crib.

But that doesn't seem like a problem three years later, was it, when it was Arima-kun himself who takes the initiative to place the twins together in one crib. None of the two complained and instead looked happier and livelier, he reasons Mrs. Sasaki whenever he gets scolded when the woman comes home to her twins still joined at the hip. She's trying to separate them after all. She thinks it would be bad if the two grew dependent on each other, what if they'll have a hard time making friends-

Arima-kun, now twenty years old, stops Mrs. Sasaki mid-sentence but immediately apologizes at his rudeness as he explains,  
"We can't really do anything at the moment if the twins wanted no one but each other into their own worlds. Mrs. Sasaki, they are still young, it is only normal, in my opinion, for their worlds to be small and only allow entrance to someone they treat the closest to them. They are twins, which means they have been together since the day they were created in your womb, I think it is only natural they would find solace in each other's presence. Please, let us give them more time to grow and broaden their worlds on their own. Either way, I don't think they would be as lonely as you think they would be if they do grow having no friends."

Arima-kun's speech took Mrs. Sasaki by surprise. For the last three years since Arima-kun has started dropping by for a short peek at the children that quickly escalated to Arima-kun taking over babysitting duties on his day-offs or free times, she had never actually heard the boy-now man-speak his opinions aloud. He never actually seemed to care for anything else, from what she observed. Arima-kun, she presumed, was the type to go along with whatever people say, as long as it does not directly affect him or cause trouble with his daily routine.

Getting out of his own way to talk about her children's well-being was-

Well, she's actually speechless.

But she thinks it was sweet of him, such kind boy who cannot express his feelings properly. He really cares about her children does he? Ken, Kaneki, and Haise too.

It seems that Arima-kun has understood her children far better than she did, but she's not angry, no. Actually she felt more assured since she had to raise three children all on her own plus provide allowance for her poor sister struggling with finances in her own home, she is almost always not there for her growing kids.

It was assuring to know that despite her absence, there was someone they could look for support. For someone who would understand them and help them in their times of great needs.

It was important for parents to be present in the first few years of their children's growth, to strengthen the bond between parent and child and for the parents to learn to understand and get to know what kind of people their children are going to grow into. She is aware she missed those years with the twins, and had less with the eldest.

It saddens her, knowing that she had to choose work to keep her children well-fed and her sister too, but if she wants them to live in a better home, then she had no choice now, does she.

Next time, and the days that followed, she stopped separating the twins and listened to Arima-kun's words.

She'll just have to believe in her children to find the right people to give access to their small, but still growing worlds.

iii.

Ken and Kaneki at eight years old is still as close as they were born. Inseparable even in school that classmates and teachers have a hard time knowing who is who and soon gave up and started referring to both of them as "the twins" as if they were not two but one person. It was easier that way if they won't budge if tried to be separated. Even in assigning them to sections, teachers put their names together in the same class, just to avoid further problems, and really, they don't even know which of them is Ken and Kaneki anymore.

Usually, twins, are still distinct because they act and dress differently from each other, despite carrying the identical facial features of the other. Most stereotypes say they have clashing personalities-sporty and nerdy, friendly and shy, the list goes on-but not with these two, oh no.

From the hair to the shoes they wear, it was like a person was placed next to a life-size mirror. Even the personalities and mannerisms were the same, it was almost scary.

Even their classmates think so too.

They were so quiet, never stands out in classes but honor students, nonetheless.

When it was known in their class and year that they do well in academics-too well, actually-they became easy targets of bullies.  
Their books would go missing, same goes with their shoes in their lockers that would be soon found in garbage cans and they would occasionally get vandalisms in their desks.

They never fought back nor made their experience be known though, so it continued, for a while, until their bullies who remained faceless and unknown grew tired of the same boring reaction they see and left them alone eventually.

The bullies, still faceless and anonymous, had wondered, how come the twin's big brother, who was a sixth grader by the time they finally gave up tormenting the sasaki siblings, has never done anything to get his brothers out of this predicament?

Maybe he doesn't care about them?

Hm, maybe. The eldest Sasaki is by far, the normal child of the family. The twins were freaks, obviously. Not just because they look and dress alike, which is of course, supposed to be normal for twins and they do not really have a choice when it comes to clothes because of the school's dress code, but you get the point. The twins act like they were the same person. They could literally kill the other and pretend they were the twin they killed and they bet their mother and brother could never tell the difference.

The eldest Sasaki though, he is perfect. A prodigy, the teachers would say.

He's great at literally everything, and they said he was supposed to be accelerated to three levels three years ago but refused for reasons unknown to the students but the teachers.

If Sasaki Haise accepted the offer though, that would mean he would already be a middle school senior by now.

No one knows why he wasted such opportunity, but those admirers, usually students in Sasaki Haise's year, spread rumors that his freak brothers threatened him not to skip three grades. They said the twins doesn't like competition and if Haise is getting accelerated, that would basically mean he won, doesn't it?

Oh yeah, that was why they attacked the twins. Made their lives for the next three years miserable and before they know it, they are already sixth graders, about to move to middle school, with Haise, the poor, oppressed brother.

Those bullies were wrong, of course.

Haise was the first-born, so he had assumed his brothers would be loved the most.

Oh how wrong he is

When his adviser sent his home a letter asking for his mother or guardian to come to school for a talk, he was happy to hear that it was because he excels so much, too much in his classes that the teachers had all agreed to give him a test. So that was that test was about…

The results say that his level of learning is higher than his classmates by three years and they highly recommended that he should be moved to a higher grade as soon as possible. They cannot waste this opportunity after all.

Of course Haise was glad too.

His mother was busy with work and it cannot let her take a leave for a day to appoint a meeting with his advisor so Arima-san took a leave from work and went in his mother's place.

Haise had been to Arima-san's workplace countless times. When he learned to commute on his own, he sneaks into the headquarters, his little brothers holding tight on each of his hands. The people in there were so nice, they give them biscuits and bitter coffee, which they all enjoyed to drink, despite the bitterness because it was a grown up drink. They want to be like the grown-ups in Arima-san's workplace.

They used to frequently stay at the headquarters after school until their mother drops by to pick them up or to Arima-san to escort them home, after bringing them all three to a snack house not too far away from the headquarters.

So in their stay they hear stories from Arima-san's co-workers about Arima-san's greatness.

He's a child prodigy, they told them. Graduated when he was twelve and got assigned to covert operations when he was thirteen.

"Covert?" Haise asks.

"What's that?" Followed by the twins.

Shinohara-san, a big man who is known for his skills in the field as a formidable foe but was nothing but no more than a gentle giant to the small children, looked away and scratched his cheeks in deep thought before replying with a smile on his face, "It means he's like a spy."

The twins made a sound of pure admiration, eyes glowing as images of Arima-san doing spy things like how characters in their books does. Arima-san in dark, tight clothes, hiding in the shadows of skyscrapers, talking to a small device installed conveniently in his spectacles as he watches his targets from afar, but sees them clear as day because his lenses were optimized to zoom and capture the scene like a normal camera.

Haise was as amazed as his little brothers, of course, but not the way they were. He did imagine Arima-san doing the same things he was doing in the twin's imagination, but the twins did nothing but that: imagine. They imagined and admired. Haise felt different. He imagined, admired, and _dreamed_.

He imagined Arima-san doing covert operations and admired the man for the incredible things he would've done while in the field: profiling criminals, analysing suspects, investigating scene of the crimes, interrogating witnesses and people directly involved in the crime with the pretense of an ordinary nosey by-stander, catching criminals, and saving people. The more he imagined and admired, the more the image of Arima-san doing these things slowly blurred and cleared again as an older version of himself doing the things he initially imagined Arima-san to be doing.

He dreamed.

That was why when Arima-san went out of his way to meet with Haise's adviser for a talk about his academic performance; he was both glad and anxious.

Glad because of all people, it would Arima-san who would be able to hear the words come of out his adviser's mouth. How good Haise had been in class, how he's so participative, he's a natural, he's so good that it seems like he needs to be moved to a higher level. Three levels, we suggest your boy to skip-

Haise had known Arima-san for as long as he can remember. He had always been a constant in his memories growing up, has seen him as his role model, even way before he dreamed to become a police officer like him. He wanted Arima-san to acknowledge him.

But it seems like he doesn't need to.

 _Because_ —  
Arima-san nods along to whatever else his adviser babbles about and instead of giving the other his decision (about his future?), Arima-san tilts his head towards Haise, then he asks him, "Do you want to be moved to a higher grade, Haise? Your classmates would become at least three years older than you. It also means you'll get to graduate elementary school earlier than normal. Would you like that?"

- _-Arima-san already did._

For a minute Haise was silent, undecisive.

For a first-grader like Haise, who thinks he was nothing more than an average child, things like doing well in academics for the sake of getting good grades and better admissions to better schools never truly crossed his mind. He doesn't understand what merits he would get if he were to be accelerated and given the opportunity to graduate from school earlier. He's a child, whose biggest problems as of yet was whether he should buy that toy with the rest of his allowance or not.

It shouldn't be much of a deal if he said yes, since it feels like nothing harmful would happen if he said yes or no anyway. Acceleration seems like the better choice between the two, and he bet his Mom would be happy to hear the news when she gets home from work later.

Then Arima-san's words echo in his head.

It also means you'll get to graduate elementary school earlier than normal.

It would be three more years before his little brothers would start elementary school. He had been looking forward to the day he'll walk with them to school and walk with them on the way home, maybe even make it a routine to drop by that ice-cream shop he likes so much.

He'll save up his allowance so he can buy them popsicles that the twins would surely enjoy to split in half and be shared between them.

Kaneki and Ken liked sharing everything to each other after all.

If Haise gets moved three levels then that would mean crashing those dreams he longed for.

He doesn't want that.

So he told Arima-san, the person he looked up to, the person he wanted to impress that very day,

"I don't want to."

Haise loves his little brothers and if no one would love his brothers, then he would. He would love them as much as how those people in school loved him, and then he would love them more, until it surpassed the love Haise gets from everyone else.

Haise loves his little brothers, and so he throws away that something he didn't know at that time the one thing that would help him the most in the future.

It wouldn't matter though if it wasn't to be spent with his little brothers, so maybe it was truly worth the sacrifice.

Or is it?

iv.

Mom doesn't want her children to become orphans.

So she was very careful and took precautions during the months she was carrying Ken and Kaneki. She knows her body cannot handle pregnancy, but she still pushed for it, because she wanted to keep her children, no matter what.

When the twins were born, she did everything in her power to give the three of them a good place to live-in, books to read, clothes to wear, and food to eat. She worked so hard for them—them three and their Aunt too, because she cannot work and is (still is) suffering financially and needs help.

Mom has always valued family above all else, and their Aunt is also Mom's family, so she cannot really choose who to keep and who to let go. So she worked hard, to keep them all to herself, no matter what.

She worked and worked, until they noticed that she barely slept on her bed and barely touched her food before going off to work again.

Day and night, this is her routine.

They tried to ask her to take a break, she's been working really hard, and they doubt her boss won't let her take at least a week-off-

But no, she tells them. Its okay, she assures her children.

She's really okay, just tired.

Just tired.

She died because of fatigue. Over-working herself. For the three of them, plus their Aunt.

 _Just tired._

Ken and Kaneki and Haise too became orphans that day and onwards. Their mother worked herself to death so she wouldn't lose them, only to lose herself and leave her three snivelling children to become orphans.

The verdict: they will be under their Aunt's custody from now on.

Ken and Kaneki were obviously reluctant, always held on to Haise's shirt who was thirteen at that time.

Haise wasn't reluctant, not in the least but he was also against the decision. He couldn't bear to look at the face of the woman who basically killed their mother. It was this woman's fault why his brothers started closing themselves off of him and refused to talk to anyone else but themselves. It was this woman's fault why the three of them has lost their mother.

This woman is a murderer.

Arima-san is a police officer, so why can't they ask him for help, ask him to catch this woman for committing such a heinous crime? The twins asked Haise once, when Haise found the twins hiding in a closet at their old home-old, because they no longer live in here, they are supposed to live with their Aunt from now on-a big, bulky hardbound book resting on one of their thighs, a flashlight on, for better lighting because the closet is dark, it is hard to read.

Haise at thirteen has already lost the kind of innocence his younger brothers seem to still have, and it hurts him to know it would be him who would take that away from them, but he thinks that it has to be done, so that once that wound heals, they will become stronger and it would protect from harsher things to come.

The world is cruel, Haise knows. He experienced it first-hand after all.

He knows he wouldn't be able to protect his brothers from the cruelness of the world, and so he strives to find a way to provide them protection, to keep them safe wherever they are that he cannot reach.

He enters the closet that is now too small for three growing children. The twins knows this, but still wriggled around inside and snuggled closer to each other, to give their older brother a space to sit on with them.

Haise enters, squeezes himself between the twins, which the twins paid no mind at all. The closet door was closed again and the only light they use to see each other in the dark was through the flashlight Kaneki held in his hands, now pointing upwards, at the closet's ceiling, allowing it to scatter light and see everything inside better, if not clearly.

Haise holds them both, wraps his arms around them and presses his mouth to their brows, kissing them.

Haise takes a deep breath to steel himself, then says as he exhales, "That's not how justice works, though."

Haise's hold on the twin tightens when he feels them squirm in his arms, trying to reposition themselves to look up at their big brother and meet gazes with him. He explains further.

"We know she killed Mom, but everyone doesn't see it like that. She made Mom overwork herself to death but to everyone else, no one saw her making Mom do it. Everyone thinks Mom did this to herself."

"But we know that she didn't-"

"A word of three children against a bunch of adults won't be enough to get that woman in jail. That's just how it works in this world." Haise grumbles.

The twins were silent for a moment, just staring at their brother whose arms are starting to tighten around them painfully but they paid it no mind. It just means that their brother is as upset about their situation as they are.

Ken and Kaneki's gazes meet each other a second and gives each other a look of understanding, before answering their brother, voices in perfect synchronization one would think this was practiced, but was not, as they say, "this world is wrong."

Haise blinks, then sniffs and nods. He holds them tighter against him, as if that would serve enough to protect his brothers from bad things that is the world.

"It is." He replies afterwards.

Mom is gone, which means the three of them were left to fend for themselves from now on. Haise makes it his responsibility to protect his brothers.

The three of them ended up locked in the closet for hours until Arima-san came and found them, asleep and wrapped in each other's arms, stuck in their little world that is the closet.

v.

When Arima-san found them, he had a hard time separating the three. The twins refused to let go of each of Haise's hands, screaming when touched.

Arima was wincing and after one try, he let it be.

The ride in Arima's car was deadly silent, so different from the usual noise he hears whenever all three were in his car. Usually there would be silent murmurs between the twins, Haise silently sitting by the window but occasionally talks to Arima about small things like what they ate for lunch in school or what a co-worker told them when they were staying in the headquarters.

This time, it was so different.

The twins were separated for once, Arima thinks as he sneaks in a glance through the rear view mirror. The twins were on either side of their older brother, hold on Haise's hand firm and tight. It doesn't seem to bother the elder at all and instead kept his eyes on the road, back stiff.

Arima inhales.

There were noises of obvious surprise when the children realize that the nameplate on the apartment door does not say their Aunt's last name but instead it was Arima-san's.

Before they got to ask though, Arima-san was already ushering them in. They release their holds on each other and do as they were told.

They watch Arima-san closely as he takes off his shoes. When they receive a look afterwards, they all scurry off to take off theirs and place it as neat as they could near Arima-san's.

The first thing Arima-san does was not take off his coat but instead walk straight towards the kitchen, where the three follow like new born ducklings attached to the first person they see upon hatching.

They all sit on the counter, which was quite big for someone who lives alone (and was barely home).

Arima-san takes out a paper (when did he get that?) and shows it to them.

It was a legal document.

The first thing that came into their minds was why would an adult want children to read something as complicated as official papers. They read it anyway, the paper in Haise's hold while the twins hover.

The terms are all too technical, they barely understand a single sentence, but they were able to make out "custody" in it. A lawyer's name and signatures, witnesses (is this an investigation report?), their Aunt, and Arima-san.

It takes a long time before any one of them perked up and timidly asked Arima-san what any of these words mean.

Arima-san actually looked surprised that they did not understand a thing. But it was normal, they were children, one barely into middle school and the two still in elementary. They couldn't understand any of these, they explain.

Arima-san understood (did he really? They doubt it, he has always been like this, after all), nods, and simply says, "You three will start living with me from now on."

vi.

Living with Arima-san wasn't any different from their usual routine when their mother was alive. Arima-san was barely home, spending most of his time in the headquarters, where he practically lives in.

Their mother is always away from her night and day jobs, and spend her free time working on another part-time job or actually resting so the boys are accustomed to have each other for company in the big, spacious house.

It seems that Arima-san has moved to a bigger house to accommodate all four of them. Since they are growing boys, Arima-san's co-workers advised he provide them their own separate rooms. They never had a room of their own before, so this was truly a surprise.

They were all excited of course, but the twins chose to sleep together on the same bed nonetheless.

Neither Arima-san nor Haise mentioned anything about it.

A few years later and the twins enter middle school. Their brother has finally decided to be accelerated. He's now on his first year, studying for his degree in Criminology. His dreams to become an investigator becoming more and more accessible everyday, but that is not the only reason why he had finally accepted the offers.

Haise wants to graduate early, to become an adult as soon as possible. He doesn't want to burden Arima any longer.

He also wants to take care of his little brothers on his own.

The twins think that Haise is already doing that, taking care of them. Has he not ever since they were little?

But Haise thinks whatever he had done for them wasn't enough. Never was.

So they let him be, if that was what would make him happy and feel accomplished.

Though they still think Haise should stop and just do things for himself. They don't need Haise to hold their hand everytime they walk anymore. They're twelve now. They can take care of themselves. They can walk without tripping on their own two feet anymore.

Arima is well-known in his crowd as the Wünderkind, the child prodigy.

He is also well-known outside his crowd, by those involved in businesses he is investigating on. They know him because he hunt their kind down and burn their businesses to the ground.

They fear him, they hate him.

Those who hated him got a whiff of the news that Arima had taken strays home with him.

Three little boys, the oldest being 15 and the youngest 12. What's best is that there are two of 'em.

The younger the better, wasn't it?

Maybe after this, Arima will cool down from his hunting streak for a while and they can come out and play some more.

The twins were walking home after school when suddenly a vehicle sped towards them before skidding into a stop, the wheels hot and squealing against the graphite. There was no time for the kids to run because of shock, same goes with the by-standers, as they stand still and watch how faceless men came busting out of the doors and grab the struggling children. They were thrown inside the car, doors slamming shut and the car skids away.

None of the witnesses are able to describe the vehicle other than its black and expensive-looking. No plate numbers were found either.

Haise was in the verge of screaming at the police station, at the verge of hitting and beating the current witness who seems like this interview was the least important thing that matters. _Children were kidnapped-_

"Haise!"

All activity in the police headquarters stops, as everyone focuses on the new comer.

It was Ken.

Haise thought his heart jumped out of his throat upon sighting one of his missing brothers.

They all run to him, Haise getting to his brother first. Entrapping him into a tight hug, tears started flowing freely from his eyes now. Seeing his brother safe and unhurt evaporates the heavy feeling lodged in his chest. He kisses the top of that black hair and starts looking around, eyes teary.

When he finds nothing, he looks down at Ken who has been trembling, sniffling and crying ever since he had stepped inside the headquarters, Haise asks, "Where's Kaneki?"

Ken and Kaneki are quiet little boys, very meek and soft-spoken. Hearing Ken wail loudly that it reverberates throughout the entire headquarters was unsettling.

The heavy feeling in Haise's chest came back like a stab of a lance.

The moment the boys hit the soft material of the car's seat, Kaneki was quick to act.

He held on to his twin as soon as he was able, and observed that the doors of the car have their knobs intact, unlike in crime books he and Ken had read.

When he notice their captor lower their guard, he jumped at them, aimed at his head, teeth clamping onto an ear. The captor screams and the people in the front seats of the car looks behind them in alarm, the one seating next to the driver had their hands immediately on his head, pulling hard.

He looks at Ken as he struggles, sees the other cowering on a corner and he shouts.

"Open the door and run! I'll be right behind you!"

It was a lie of course, since they had a firm grip on his hair, the other on his arm. It's impossible to escape from this unless he rip his arm off as well as a part of his scalp, maybe.

Ken believed him though, and shakily, he pulled at the lever, the car door opening and by the time they grab him off of a captor's ear, Ken has already fled.

They cuss and the person whose ear he had almost bitten off backhands him across the face.

It was alright, Ken is safe, and that is all that matters.

He couldn't recall anything anymore about the ride as he had lost consciousness.

It was ten days later when rescue came.

Though it wasn't really a rescue when it was the kidnappers who had decided to send him back, is it?

Initially he should blame Arima for whatever had happened to him, but he didn't.

It wasn't Arima's fault, Kaneki assures them.

Haise was contradicted, because yes, he had respected the man since they were little, and to hear that all this would've not happened if

Arima did not take them in…

He's not sure he if he wants Ken to see his twin like this.

From the looks of it, Kaneki shares the same sentiments.

But Ken has the right to know, and-

Kaneki watches passively as his brother violently brings both hands to his face, rubbing it up and down and he sighs in frustration. Unshed tears threatening to fall.

Tears flowed like opened dams when he sees how his little brother flinched visibly at the mere hold of his hands.

 _What had they done to deserve this?_

vii.

It is no longer hard to discern who is who after the kidnapping.

A week later, they had deemed Kaneki fit enough to go back to school.

A lot of things had changed in him, and it wasn't only the school who noticed this.

Aside from his appearance, which was according to the specialists were due to the trauma the boy has experienced, he had become emotionally distant.

No one knows what the kidnappers had actually done to the other Sasaki but the physical and mental exams gave them a hint.

 _The signs were there._

Ken had read the signs in the books he and his twin had read, and he had always found them fascinating. Seeing them on his twin brought a different feeling in him though.

He felt sick.

They no longer sleep on the same bed, and for the first time the moment they started living under Arima's roof, they slept on separate rooms.

Kaneki did return to them, but to Ken, it felt like he never did.

They still walk together to the school and home. Sit together in the same table during lunch and breaks, but they don't sit or walk as close as before.

Kaneki flinches at the smallest of contact. He always looked like his mind is somewhere, and it probably was because whenever Ken talks to him he never looks his way to indicate that he is listening, he even asks Ken if he could repeat it again. He looked apologetic, but his voice is hollow and lacks life it usually carries.

It scares him, but it hurts him more to know how his brother had changed so much in only a span of 10 days.

He knows that the kidnapping incident is still haunting Kaneki. He can see the deep bags under his eyes grow heavier and darker everyday. Whatever it was, it was so horrible that it keeps him up at night.

He wanted to ask him, beg him to please tell him. Didn't they always tell each others' secrets? Why can't Kaneki let him in on this one too?

No one else needs to know, just him. He won't tell anyone.

He just wanted to close this distance between them that seems to grow everyday.

Kaneki refused to talk about it.

Everytime Ken tried to breach the subject, he gets ignored, or the subject changes into something else, Kaneki acting as if he never heard him ask at all.

Ken knows this very well. Changing topics and pretending to not hear any of it. Kaneki must think that if he keeps it up Ken will give up.

Well, he won't.

But Kaneki wanted him to.

When Kaneki finally realized Ken would never budge, he took further actions that actually broke Ken's heart.

If back then they used to walk together, eat lunch together and hang out during breaks, now, they even stopped doing that.

Kaneki made it his duty to get up early and help Haise in preparing their meals, then leave the house three hours earlier than usual, which was around the time Ken was still in bed, sleeping.

Kaneki also got involved with afterschool activities now, something the old him would never do, for like how Hide had worded it, the twins have this condition where their bodies stiffen up and whither when exposed to big groups.

It seems like whatever it was that had happened to Kaneki has toughen him up, Hide jokingly told him when he had addressed the issue to the other one time, saddened when Kaneki has refused to walk with him home for the first time, for he had afterschool activities to do.

Hide had seen the scene unfold, saw how Kaneki had unbelievingly crushed his twin with words.

Hide was undeniably mad, because he thinks Kaneki went too far, but he thinks he understands, in a way, why Kaneki did what he had done.

If he were in the other's shoes then he wouldn't doubt that he would do the same things.

So instead of walking towards the two and hitting the other, he jumps at Ken, surprising him to the point his screams sounded like he's being murdered. There was satisfaction there when he felt Kaneki run towards them but stop when he sees what it was all about.

Hide told Ken that he thinks his legs need more exercise, so would he mind if he walk Kaneki home? He lives on the opposite direction, so if he walk Kaneki home, that means he's going to walk thrice as far, that's gonna do his legs good!

Kaneki wasn't satisfied with the offer, but it raised his spirits a little.

Hide decided to take joy in the small things.

viii.

Time passes and it had been 6 months since Kaneki has started putting distance between them.

At this point Ken could say he is used to it.

But he couldn't deny how much it still hurt as much as the first day he had realized that this is it. They had officially fallen out.

He started to think if maybe pushing his brother to speak about his experience was worth all this if it costs their bond.

But if he didn't, then what is the point of their bond? They're together but are they really if they couldn't connect properly? How can you connect with someone you barely know? Is he even still the Kaneki he knew and loved?

He had always told himself that he is used to the coldness his brother makes him feel. The absence of the warm body next to him in bed makes him cry sometimes, and he wants it to stop to be honest but the tears just wouldn't listen to him, no matter how loudly he begs it to _please stop flowing. You can't cry, please._

He ended up sleeping with his pillow pressed to his face from muffling the noises, another pressed tightly to himself, pretending it's warm and breathing.

The fact that it wasn't makes it harder for his tears to stop, and he hates himself for his weakness when he calls for Kaneki, his voice and sobs muffled by the pillow. If he gets too loud Haise might hear and come in his room. He can't afford to have their big brother to worry about something like this. He's busy studying for his exams.

Usually when he is sad he wakes Kaneki and they talk about it. But what if his distress is because he doesn't have Kaneki to confide to anymore? That Kaneki has probably also no one to confide his feelings to too?

Oh, but Kaneki seems like he had made friends. Lots of them it seems, that he doesn't have time to spend with Ken anymore. The fact that he doesn't have time to read books with him is a proof of that.

Kaneki doesn't need him like Ken does anymore.

The bullying did not really stop after they finished elementary.

When the seniors graduated, the underclassmen made it their duty to continue their seniors' legacy of terrorizing the twins.

The seniors took the reason to the bullying with them when they graduated elementary, but the children a year or so below them hurt them anyway because that's what the older kids did and the idolize the older kids so what else would make them feel more like their senior but this?

When Kaneki was kidnapped, the beatings had gotten worse. The taunts got to him, and it ate him on the inside.

Why must it be him who got away? What if he never see Kaneki again? Then that would mean that those children were right, Kaneki died for a wimp like him. He died a useless death.

Hide would see him walk out of the gates dirty and in tears, and he wouldn't say a word behind the reason of how he got his injuries or why he's in tears. Same situation at home, whenever Haise is present and sees him dirty and still in tears and he walks in, he only cries louder whenever Haise holds his shoulders and gently ask him what was wrong? The worry in his face breaks his heart, and he hugs him, taking in the welcoming warmth.

Haise started crying too when he heard him say once, in the middle of his crying as he hugs Haise, "I want my brother back."

So from dejection and sadness it becomes guilt and regret.

Ken stopped mulling over things like why would his brother distance himself from him like that and such.

Ken had truly accepted the change, and thought that he deserved this isolation. He deserved the sadness and inwardly hoped that it was him who had the courage to distract their captor and it was Kaneki who managed to run away.

A nobody like him doesn't deserve to be the survivor.

"Faggot."

He flinches when one of his attackers spat on his face.

He was on the ground, writhing in pain. He gasps when he feels a shoed foot make contact with his belly.

 _It hurts._

"Oh look, he's drooling, gross," they snicker.

"Careful, I heard he's contagious. That's why his twin unlatched from him, you know. Even he got disgusted with him." One of them tells the current attacker.

They laugh, then another kick that makes him turn on his stomach to vomit whatever it is he had in his stomach, which was nothing but stomach acid. There was fear when he sees his saliva on the ground mixed with red, then he actually screams when they didn't stop the assault and kicked him on the side.

He's on his back now and he gets a clear view of their faces. All smiling, no hint of guilt or regret. Just amusement.

"Hey, hey, is that true? You got a thing for your twin right? And he found out so he started avoiding you like the plaque? Hey, say something!"

At the lack of response, one them holds his head up, hands tightly latching on a patch of black hair. It hurts so much, tears started flowing down his face, causing dirt to smear and worsen his swollen face.

He had no idea where the accusations come from, he thinks they're so cruel, but in a way they're right.

His brother did started avoiding him like the plaque.

Maybe that was it.

It wasn't because Kaneki doesn't want to talk about his experience, it wasn't about his resistance to confide to his twin but because of anger. Hatred.

Ten days of suffering because it was Ken who got to run away and survive instead of him when he was the one who got the idea of distracting the captors when Ken did nothing but cower.

He deserved this, he repeats to himself, openly crying now. The jeers of his attackers were unheard as he continued to hate himself for the painful things Kaneki had endured because of him.

Kaneki appeared to be happy and doing well in the times he see him with his new friends, smiling and conversing. It hurts to see the other happy with someone else but what mattered is that Kaneki is happy.

If being away from him makes Kaneki happy, then so be it.

He wished Kaneki could see him now, battered and crying, and pathetic. The sight would make his twin feel better, he bet. He's getting his well-deserved punishment.

"Teacher! There they are! Hey! I saw your faces!" A shout not too far from their location.

"Shit! Run!"

He was thrown into the ground and it hurts. He couldn't will himself to move or open an eye, his entire body is sore.

Footsteps fade and return, this one stopping above his head.

He hears a familiar sound, "Oh, Ken,"

A hand holds him up, gently this time but he still winces because the gentle contact hurt nonetheless.

"Come on, I'll get you home."

"Please don't tell them."

He hears Hide inhale deep, thinking if it was the best decision.

"Okay," He breathes out then lets out a weak, shaky laugh. "But it's sort of too late."

He opens an eye, painful as it is, just to see what Hide meant by that.

Ken forgot there were two pairs of footsteps that approached. At the sight of Kaneki looking at him with eyes that betray no emotion, he started sobbing again.  
The sting in his gut at every sob could not compete with the pain he's feeling in his chest.

His self-hatred grows.

 **E/N:**

 **this is M because the next part has a rapey part and there's gonna be actual kanekicest sex yaaaayyy (maybe also a threesome bc why not *shrug*)**

 **hellweek is coming and I'm trying to run away from my responsibilities but since this is my last chance to get excepmted from taking at least one of my final exams then I might as well study for it yea?**

 **I promise the next part won't take a year before I pull it out of my ass I promISE**


	2. Falling

**A/N:** **okay, okay, I said before that this is a one-shot, and I'm not really lying because that's the plan but it seems like I gave birth to a monster and now I'm dying**

 **It seems like this fic has a long way to go cuz I kid you not this is covering barely half of the story**

 **Warnings for graphic mentions of rape and torture at part ix.**  


 **anyway, the usual:  
WARNING: UNBETA'ed  
**

* * *

ix.

Kaneki cannot believe it has only been 10 days.

Every second felt like hours, and when they said they're tired of him and they're planning to throw him out, he actually thought they were just trying to dangle false hope at his face. They enjoy seeing him crumble after all.

They made him to do things to himself, because that's more fun than them doing it themselves. Adds to the thrill, they say.

If he says no, well, they can always come back for his twin.

 _"So you will do it after all! And to think you made it hard for us at first, you fuckin' tease!"_

There's no other word to describe it: they fucked him raw.

His mouth, his anus, sometimes two people will fuck his hole at the same time, muffling his screams of pain with a hard, thick cock on his mouth. A threat if he bites them.

The first time he was double penetrated, he bit the cock in his mouth. He rate of how cocks go from hard to soft in seconds was amazing, but he didn't really had much time to marvel at the human anatomy when he was instantly punched, his nose broke and bleeding and hands darted to his face, holding his head in place, one of them entering him from the front, hands holding his knees to keep it open wide, some on his torso, but mostly on his head, his mouth forced open.

He tried to keep his mouth closed when he sees one of them come close, pliers in one hand.

He bit them, and they didn't like it so they're gonna get rid of whatever it is that clamped their cock.

He firmly kept his lips closed, but they threatened to rip if off of him, and the hand on his cheeks pressed hard, his mouth opening involuntarily. "Good boy,"

The plier was already gripping on a tooth when he was suddenly shoved upwards, the other person's thrust dragging his body up. The one with the pliers said, "Hey, could you wait? If the kid won't stop moving I'll never get finished with this,"

And so the teeth-pulling began.

After a while they got bored of fucking him so they tied him to a chair, because he must be getting tired of all the fucking too, right?

"Hey, answer when we're talking to you." A slap, "What, getting lonely?"

The implications scare him.

"Yes," he says, voice too raspy, they fucked his face so much, he doubts he still has gag reflex. They put too many things in his anus too, things he cannot bear to say without wanting to scratch his skin off.

If only he could scratch at all.

They already plucked all his fingernails because they don't like getting scratched during fucking.

He's got a nice face, and if he behaves then they won't come back for his lookalike, no matter how merrier it would be if they got to play with another one.

Those ten whole days, they did nothing but hurt him.

Pulled his fingernails, his hair, his teeth, almost gouged his eyes out, and at some point twisted and bent his fingers. Days later when they think it's starting to heal, they reset the bones and proceed to beat him for screaming in pain during the process. How ungrateful was he, they're helping him!

On his first day, they were quite active in torturing him, but as days pass, everything started getting milder. Cruel, but milder.

They would just run the sharp ends of their blades across his skin, lightly skin his fingers and mess with his healing wounds, spit at the infection and ejaculate on it, but the amusement they used to express strongly was mostly gone.

On the tenth day, one of them loses it. Shouts and says they're bored.

Turns out they're supposed to keep him here for twenty more days, but what's the point of the twenty more days if they already ran out of ideas?

So they tell Kaneki, "Kid, we're bored. We're dumping you."

"Don't miss us too much though, we're not sure we're gonna come back and get you again. But hey, feel free to find us. We'll be more than happy to play again."

They snicker.

Kaneki begged for death.

That was how ten days later, Haise found him sitting in one of the interrogation rooms in the headquarters, wrapped in a thick coat one of the investigators gave him when they see him stumble into the entrance, naked as the day he was born. They tore his clothes to the point it is no longer wearable, they didn't bother to find him anything to at least provide the boy some decency. What's so decent about him now, anyway?

Haise was the first to arrive, who ran out in the middle of his class when he found out that they finally found his missing brother.

The look Haise gave him will be forever etched in his memory.

Every inhale, every exhale, the longer Haise remained silent brought Kaneki more on edge.

He unconsciously started cracking his knuckles, each pop calming and bringing comfort to his joints. It brings normalcy, the control he has over himself is still here.

But then Haise looks at the source of the noise, eyes opening underneath his palms to see his fingers; bloody and lacking fingernails.

There was a pause.

Kaneki thought that the time he had spent in that hell hole would mean something as small as a touch would no longer bother him, but he was wrong. Horribly so.

Unlatching Haise's hold on his own face to hold Kaneki's hands in his, he flinches involuntarily at the contact.

Too much things had been associated with the gesture and none of them are nice.

His repulsion to touch was noticed by the older brother, and Kaneki had to endure minutes that felt like decades of his brother crying, sobbing, apologising. His hands had long let go of his, and instead are hovering over him, as if longing to hug him, hold him tight and make him feel secured and protected, but no matter how strong they long, they cannot afford the risk. Holding the younger close to him would only do the opposite, and knowing that breaks his heart more.

When Kaneki finally speaks, for the first time since he was brought into the interrogation room, he told Haise, "It wasn't you fault."

He expected his brother to calm down, but when had any of his plans ever went according to his favour?

Haise's tears did not stop, and instead he choked out, "Ken."

There was a long pause before Kaneki brings his hands close to his chest, squeezing. His face remained impassive, but the way he clutches at his hands on his chest told Haise otherwise.

It hurt Haise to not see any trace of the Kaneki he knew ten days ago. The look in his eyes were hard like steel and his voice, it was deeper and sounded far away.

"He doesn't need to hear anything about this."

It was not a request, but Haise reluctantly nodded his approval anyway.

x.

Everything is supposed to go back to normal.

Then again, Kaneki is broken. Damaged. What is normal about that?

But they tried. The three of them tried. Out of the three of them, Kaneki tried the hardest.

It was painful enough to see Haise look at him with those eyes filled with pity and self-hatred. Haise pushed himself harder because of what happened to his brothers. He couldn't bear the thought that one day, he might experience the same thing again. Anxiously sitting in a police station, biting his nails as they wait because that's all he could do. He's _powerless_.

Kaneki doesn't want to be powerless either.

And so he tried, struggling every time just to get back to that normalcy he and his brothers used to live in before this tragedy.

Like how they always did after one tragedy to the next.

It seems like the three of them are born under an unlucky star after all.

Their father died not too long after their mother got pregnant with him and Ken. It was snowing hard the day they were born, and if it wasn't for Arima-san, who knows what could've happened to their mother and her still-borns.

Not too long after that, after their father, their mother soon followed. Their selfish Aunt murdered her.

As if that wasn't enough, outside their household, people had been mean to them too. It seems like he and Ken had simply been dragging Haise into this series of unfortunate events that befall upon them.

It's like he and Ken being together brings nothing but bad luck.

To get to Arima-san, these people tried to kidnap him and Ken. They wanted leverage from the man they despised the most.

It did not only hurt Kaneki, but also Ken and Haise indirectly. Arima felt responsible for all that happened, but since Kaneki never truly had a good look at their faces since it was so dark, they couldn't trace them.

Arima-san had too many enemies to be able to narrow it down.

It was painful for his brothers knowing that their brother would never get the justice he deserved, but to Kaneki, it never mattered to him anymore.

Those days he spent in that dark place, suffering and crying and screaming. Trembling in his metal chair as they inflict horrible things upon him, it opened his eyes.

The world is cruel, it always had been. Its just that he grew up sheltered, protected underneath his brother's wings and when he was snatched away underneath his protection, he experienced pain.

The wounds cut him deep, not just physically, but it healed. Somewhat.

They healed and they became scars. These scars became his reminder that no matter how bright today is, the world will always be dark and merciless. You'll never know when the darkness would descend and snatch you underneath the sun.

He was naïve once. Never again.

xi.

Normalcy.

He failed at that one, horribly.

Ken's persistency cannot be deterred, and its chipping on Kaneki's patience.

Ever since he got back, he started expressing his pain through violence. He always had the itch to lash out at someone whenever he gets an episode. The specialists didn't help much, the stress balls or the ice didn't help his urge to crush someone's head between his hands.

He doesn't want to open up, you see. But Ken is persistent.

He wouldn't stop asking him about it.

His fingernails, his disfigured fingers, his scars, his hair. Ken wants to know every single detail of how they all came to be.

Kaneki doesn't want to go back to the past and remember. He doesn't want Ken to know. He doesn't, doesn't, doesn't want-

-breathe.

He doesn't want Ken to know.

He, he can't.

If Ken finds out, Kaneki…

He doesn't think he'll be able to mend himself back after that.

Touka is a schoolmate.

She's a year below them, kind of like a tomboy, but no one has the guts to tell her that unless you want to be beaten up. Like Kaneki, she also has a twin brother. His name is Ayato.

He met her one time when he refused Ken for the first time to walk home with him with some absurd excuse like cleaning duty, when obviously the teacher would never assign one of them to the cleaning duty without the other as a partner.

It was an obvious lie, but Ken took it anyway.

The fact that Ken easily let him go poked at his insecurity, but if he didn't do this, then it would be harder for him not to break down in front of the other and cry, tell him everything. How broken he is, how disgusting he has become, how those men had fucking defiled him-

"Hey, you. Senpai with the old man hair."

He was in the middle of taking out the trash when someone called him out.

It was a student. He doesn't recognise her from their batch so she's probably in a different level. From the looks of it, she's an underclassman.

"Boss wants to have a word with you." She said before walking off, leaving Kaneki wide-eyed and confused.

Noticing Kaneki not moving from his spot, she stops and looks back, clearly annoyed.

"I said Boss wants to have a word with you. How can you talk to him by just standing there? Follow me!" and she walks away again, steps faster as she mumbles " _are all upperclassmen supposed to be this stupid?"_

There was curiosity, so Kaneki followed without question at that time. His instincts weren't shouting caution, so he went.

This Boss Touka-that's her name, he finally finds out-turns out to be Mr. Yoshimura, the school's guidance councilor.

When he sees the door of the office, he felt anxious. He knows what this would mean for him.

He doesn't want to talk.

He felt like bolting away as soon as possible, but a tight grip on his arm sealed his execution.

Sweat appeared on the back of his neck like bullets.

Touka pulled him inside, not bothering to knock and instead throws the door open. The urge to wince once the knob hits the wall was strong, but he didn't succumb to the weakness. Showing weakness would make him vulnerable to attacks.

"Oh, Kaneki-kun," Mr. Yoshimura said, upon glancing on who the intruder might be. He didn't even flinch at the door slamming open, which would mean he is either used to it or is expecting his arrival.

He cannot tell from the look on his face.

"Please have a seat," He gestures at the chair next to his desk.

Touka lets got of his arm and proceeds to do as instructed, plopping down ungracefully on the seat opposite the one Mr. Yoshimura was pointing at. Her hands are crossed over her chest, a deep scowl on her face as her visible eye eyes him. As if they're judging him on how he's going to take the invitation.

With stiff legs, he forces himself to walk across the room and sit on the chair, his feet had gotten limp once the back of his thighs hit the chair and he collapses on the seat, his hands folded between his legs. He hopes none of them noticed.

He refused to meet those smiling eyes with his and so stared at the tiles on the floor. The white tiles warp and they become checkered: black and white, alternating. They spread throughout the room and the room becomes too big, too spacious. He's alone, in his metal chair-

The sound of paper being flipped reels him back to reality.

He looks and sees a club application form. It says book club.

Under the club adviser, Mr. Yoshimura's named was signed.

He finally looks up to meet Mr. Yoshimura's smiling eyes.

"We need are still open for one more member. I heard you were quite the reader. I think we would need someone like you in our club, don't you think?"

"…what?" Was all he could say at that moment.

The book club or what the members all call it, Anteiku.

The members were all fucked up, that's the only way to describe it.

Touka has a twin brother named Ayato. Or had, since apparently the boy had ran away from home not too long ago. Hasn't returned since. The twins are basically orphaned, their parents involved in some sort of a gang and getting killed because of it. Both by the police. Rumors say that the Kirishimas' mother was killed by Arima-san during an encounter. Everything went out of control at that time, its not easily to have no casualty during raids such as those. Kaneki chose to be quiet about it.

Their father never came back, but speculations said that "they" must've finally gotten to him.

Ayato is the younger one, and the repulsive of the two. The abandonment hurt him and so he developed hate for the man they call father. Called him a coward, which caused the twins to drift away because of clashing opinions. Ayato ran away after an uncle they didn't know existed appeared and claimed custody.

Touka is currently living with him now.

Touka's uncle is a man named Yomo. Huge and indifferent. Intimidating. Not the talkative type.

Touka once introduced the man to him, and the next thing he knows he has been joining the uncle and niece in their martial arts training. Yomo-san says it's the best way to release stress.

Kaneki thinks he sounds like he's talking from experience.

Experience or not though, Yomo-san is right.

Sparring with the uncle and niece after school helps him loosen up, but the strain between him and Ken has only gotten worse. He couldn't do anything about it but keep his distance more.

It's called the book club, but they don't even read any books at all. Kaneki is starting to understand why they all refer to it as Anteiku instead, or so he thinks.

They usually hang out by the field after school, just sitting and talking. Nishio-senpai, another member usually uses this time to lie and sleep. Sometimes Touka puts animal feces next to the sleeping senior, calling him Shitty Nishiki, because of his strange fixation on feces. "Tastes like horseshit." "That's sounds like a load of shit," and so on.

This usually ends in squabbles and shouting, but at least it doesn't go that far.

There are alumnis, Irimi and Koma who drops by every now and then.

They all have come from something that's hard to deal with. None of them talks about it, but they can see it by the way they talk, the way they move. Always in the defensive, always on guard. None of them has shown any signs of vulnerability, as if afraid to be attacked.

Nonetheless, Anteiku felt like it was the safest place to be in. To let go and be yourself.

It brought Kaneki peace, and so every day, he started attending their supposed after school club activities, where they basically just lie and roll around in the grass, talking about mundane things.

Turns out that Nishio-senpai is actually attending school on scholarship, but since this is a public school, he's spending his tuition money on his basic needs. At age 15, he has been living on his own. He's pretty smart, the top of his class, so sometimes Kaneki approaches the cranky senior for questions about a topic he couldn't grasp. He had always admitted aloud how he hates Touka, but there was never a time he did not get up from where he lie to pull out a notebook and call Touka to sit next to him and teach her good studying techniques to pass a test or two. He's nicer than he claims himself to be. Kaneki wonders what it is that Nishio-senpai is hiding like the rest of them.

But he doesn't dare ask, because that would be rude.

"Hey, Bakaneki, we won't have an after school today."

Touka came over to his classroom to tell him. It was loud that everyone in class definitely heard. Ken included.

That would mean his excuse to attend to an afterschool club activity will be no good.

He had no choice but to face Ken and walk with him home that day.

"Um, Ka..neki…"

Kaneki flinches.

They were walking together on their way home, when Ken called him. It was strange, hearing Ken talk like that to him. Shy and soft-spoken. Ken has always been the most comfortable in his presence. Ken was never shy to speak aloud to him.

They hadn't been talking much ever since that day Kaneki made it his duty stay away from the other as much as he can. Its only natural Ken would forget how to act in his presence.

How long has it been since they have last talked? He doesn't remember.

He turns his head towards him, letting the other know that he's listening.

"Yesterday, Hide brought me to the bookstore."

Kaneki remembers how either of them couldn't go to public places without company. Kaneki had long since grown out of the habit out of necessity, so that he can live out of his dependence on his twin. He has to.

Ken seems like he still hasn't. It was nice of Hide to accompany him in his place.

There's a sting in his chest thinking about the implications.

But he brought this upon himself. He wanted this.

So he ignores the stabbing feeling in his chest and continues to look at his brother, silently asking to continue.

"I saw Takatsuki Sen's new book…"

Kaneki patiently waits for him to finish and nodded his head, urging the other to continue.

"…would you want to read it with me when we get home?"

The look on Ken's face says he had been expecting Kaneki to gladly agree.

 _Oh._

There was hesitance at first, but he kicked it down and replied, "Oh, sorry, I don't like her books anymore."

Kaneki hoped the lie did not show in his voice. He refused to look at Ken's face again throughout the walk home.

Ken's pace had gotten faster by the time they got home, not sparing his brother a glance as he heads to his room and clicks the door locked.

Kaneki did it.

He doesn't feel accomplished at all.

xii.

He was on his way to Anteiku's usual hangout after school when he hears Hide shout not too far away.

"Teacher! There they are! Hey! I saw your faces!"

There is no teacher, Hide is bluffing. It's strange of Hide to do something as risky as that unless its involving him in some way, so Kaneki follows where the other is running to.

He was walking at first, then he hears Hide's whisper, mentioning his brother's name.

He sprints.

It hurt.

That's all he could describe it. It hurt.

Hurt.

Ken was lying on the ground, clothes rumpled and dirty with dirt and blood.

Kaneki's sprints slowed to a halt not too far away from the scene.

Hide was already helping Ken up, Ken was wincing all the way. Ken is badly hurt.

How could he fucking forget about the bullies.

He told himself he's protecting his brother, but it seemed like it only did the opposite. Just like how Haise did with them.

When will they ever learn?

He's so selfish.

The thought of leaving Ken weak and vulnerable never crossed his mind.

Of course the bullying won't stop. It would never.

Kaneki started hanging out with Anteiku and that leaves Ken alone and more vulnerable than before.

The bullies never went this far before.

They never hurt them physically before.

There are too many thoughts that were running in his head as he stares his brother down.

He hears Ken wheeze out, "Please don't tell them."

This pain is familiar.

Except now its tearing his heart apart.

Why wouldn't Ken let them know?

Ken, he shouldn't keep something like this to himself. He should let them know. He should let _him_ know.

Why won't he-

"Okay, but it's sort of too late," Hide's eyes meet his. They're not soft and bright but hard and blazing hot. They felt like his looks could kill him.

Kaneki thought that Hide has the right to kill him there and then.

He was disappointed when all Hide did was hold Ken when the other started sobbing and fall on his knees.

Haise will be home late.

The only people in the house will be Kaneki and Ken. It was Hide who helped Ken walk home with them. Once inside, he made Ken sit on his bed to get the first-aid kit and shoved it to Kaneki's chest.

"Fix this." He told him before leaving the house.

They both know what Hide truly meant.

He doesn't know how to mend broken things though.

How can someone broken fix something as broken as they are?

Hide had too much faith in him.

When he enters the room, Ken wasn't looking at him. It was more like because he was zoning out rather than avoiding his gaze. He doesn't seem to notice he entered the room, even.

That was why he jumped when he felt the mattress dip when Kaneki sat next to him, the first aid kit in his lap held protectively by his arms.

"Ken," Another flinch, but he turns his head to look at him. He shakily smiles, scratching his chin.

"O-oh, thank you." His hands are asking for the kit.

"Let me, " Kaneki tells him.

Ken looks like he was about to decline the offer so Kaneki beats him to it by grabbing his wrist. It silences the twin instantly.

Ken easily complied after that so he stood up, pulling his brother with him as they walk to the bathroom.

"There's dirt…" _and blood "_ …everywhere." Is all what Kaneki can tell him at the moment when Ken gave him a questioning stare. He gingerly pushed Ken into the bathroom, hands stiff and too scared to touch. It felt like he's with a stranger, not his twin.

Ken must've felt the same.

Kaneki has no one to blame but himself.

Once Ken is inside and the sound of water running was heard, he proceeded to get Ken clothes to change into and a towel.

Instead of calling for Ken while the other is in the shower, he chose to stand right outside the bathroom's door and wait. When the door opened and Ken's head comes out, awkward and shy to shout for a towel, he hands him what he needs before Ken could ask for them.

Once out. He pulled Ken by the hand again, his hands wrapped around the other, Kaneki remarks how warm they are.

Back in the room, Kaneki notices that Ken's hair was still dripping wet, causing water to drip drop from his hair down to the collar of his shirt so he takes the towel from the others hands to wipe his hair dry himself. Ken was too stiff and Kaneki wonders why.

When Kaneki held Ken's face to inspect the cuts and bruises, there was a wince. Apologizing, he gently ran his thumb over a reddening cheek soothingly. He frowns when it reddened more underneath his touch. They're warm.

There were bruises on his face and his other eye is swollen. His stomach hurts and he refused to tell Kaneki how it happened, but he suspects it was probably kicked based on the amount of dirt he had seen in the Ken's shirt.

The scrapes were properly cleaned and disinfected.

When he was done, he gives his brother a once-over and nods to himself.

After taking away the first aid kit, Kaneki moves to touch his brother's soft hair, his fingers pinching and playing at the strands before leaning in to kiss his forehead, something their mother used to do whenever the boys get injured.

Ken felt his heart stop, then beat again, faster and harder as he watches his brother lean back and say, "Later,"

"Y-yeah…" Kaneki has already slammed the door shut when Ken managed to squeak out a reply, too flustered.

 _What was that?_

xiii.

"Ken, do you want to accompany me to Anteiku?"

"H-huh? An..teiku?"

Kaneki has been acting out of his character lately.

Ken had long since accepted that they would never come back to how they used to be before, but ever since Hide and Kaneki had rescued him a few days ago, Kaneki has made it his job to approach him all the time.

Kaneki still gets up as early as Haise, helps the eldest in preparing their breakfast and lunches, but now he waits for Ken to get up from bed and walks with him again to school.

Kaneki still has his after school club activities so walking home together is definitely out of the question. Kaneki makes it up by eating lunch with him.

Ken was genuinely scared of the sudden change in his brother that at first he tried to get the other to leave him be.

At the beginning, he thought that Kaneki's kindness would fade away soon a few hours after he had properly tended to Ken, but oh was he wrong.

Kaneki has been keeping this up for four days now. It is starting to scare Ken.

He still couldn't wrap his head around the fact that Kaneki has been going out of his way for him, and now, he wants him to accompany him to _where?_

Kaneki gives him a look that's asking if Ken did not really know what Anteiku is. Ken really has no idea what it is.

Kaneki furrows his brows before his face morphs in mild surprise.

"Oh, I mean the book club."

"…Anteiku?"

At the question, Kaneki looks away in deep thought, eyes darting left and right to look for answers as he bites his lip. "I'll…explain later."

"You…said it's a book club, right?"

Is it possible for people to look away when they're already looking away? As Ken watched Kaneki's hand move to hold his chin and graze his teeth along his lips, Ken can confidently say, yes, it is possible.

"...yeah."

Is Anteiku some sort of a nickname then? It was strange of Kaneki to join a book club. Well, this Kaneki anyway. He did tell Ken before that he doesn't like to read anymore.

But Kaneki is doing all these to get to know each other again. It would only work if Ken put effort into it too, so for the first time ever since the big change, he slowly, shyly pulls at Kaneki's free hand, tugging it. His hands are cold, not as warm as he had remembered. This is new.

Everything about Kaneki is new.

Ken told himself that he will work as hard as Kaneki to get to know each other again.

"Okay," Ken tells him.

After school, Kaneki brings him to the field by the school.

There was an older boy lounging on the soft grass, his leg raised and supported by the other as it lazily swings left and right. He's wearing their school uniform so Ken presumes this must be an upperclassman.

"Nishio-senpai," He hears Kaneki call out.

The older boy wasn't even moving from where he lie, head tilted to the opposite direction from them. He definitely heard Kaneki call out, so he hums in acknowledgement.

"Kaneki, is that you?"

"I brought someone along, if you won't mind."

This sparked the other's interest, finally moving to sit and look.

"Holy shit is that a dopple ganger?" He said, removing his glasses to wipe the lenses with his shirt before putting them back in. He eyes Ken up and down, his stare felt like they were ripping him open, and he unconsciously reaches for Kaneki's shirt to grab. Kaneki didn't seem to mind and let him be.

"He really looks a lot like you. Well, except the hair and he doesn't look like he's about to take a long shit, but definitely you. A brother then?"

"Twin. His name is Ken."

Kaneki turns to Ken and says, "This is Nishio-senpai, one of the members. Feel free to ask him about subjects you don't understand."

This Nishio-senpai character did not look pleased at what Kaneki told him. His brows crease and he scowls, clicking his tongue at his twin."Hey, don't promote me; I'm not your tutor, goddamnit."

His eyes move to Ken and he says "Welcome to Anteiku," without the hostile look he gave Kaneki not too long ago. Before Ken even managed to give a reply, Nishio-senpai had already rolled on his back, eyes closed. Later on, he finds out that that's Nishio-senpai's way of telling people that "it's time to fuck off".

The hand Ken is using to grasp at Kaneki's shirt was removed and was moved to hold Kaneki's hand instead. There was a pull, then Kaneki pulls him along the field to go lie together, side by side on Kaneki's favourite spot. Once their backs had finally settled comfortably on the grass, Kaneki turns to his side and holds the side of Ken's head, lightly running the pad of his thumb to Ken's cheek as he whispers to him, voice soft and gentle that he has yet to introduce Ken to the rest, but Touka is running late today, must be in-charge of cleaning duty. Kaneki is not sure if Irimi-san or Koma-san would join them today, but he assures Ken he'll meet them soon too.

The names did not really stick much to Ken, his mind lost to his brother's eyes gazing at him in a way he has never seen before. Those hands are cold, but they never felt any less warm as they gently touch him. He thought they could stay like that forever, if possible. He doesn't want this day to end.

"Oh my god it's so sweet, there's ants everywhere!"

Embarrassment.

That's what he felt when he saw someone stand over their heads, her hands on her sides like a nagging mother. Ken rolls away from Kaneki, squeaking.

He felt like shouting, his face hot. Kaneki has yet to move from his spot, eyes fixated on the space in front of him as if wondering where had his brother gone.

"Hey, Bakaneki! This is Anteiku, no boyfriends or girlfriends allowed!" _Even Shitty Nishiki follows the damn rules!_

"Touka."

"Hey, Stupid Touka, that's his twin."

It was…not a good impression at all.

* * *

 **E/N:I'm gonna say now that my finals week will start on June 1st and I'll die taking 3 exams in one day**

 **so please be patient thanks I love you all 3**


	3. Plus One

**A/N: I've hit a wall**

 **WARNING: UNBETA'ED (take this seriously I'm p much fried at this point to see any mistakes oh deer)**

* * *

xiv.

Elementary school.

Children are noisy and whiny. Always complaining about the littlest things to their parents and teachers. Hide find this unnerving, thinks these people are too "high-maintenance". He won't be able to keep up with them. He doesn't like elementary school. He wanted to grow up faster.

But then again, he first saw them during elementary school, so he supposes he should owe that place a lot.

They sit at the back of the class, contrary to his seat, which is at the center.

What made them stand out from the sea of noisy, whiny kids is that they aren't.

They don't make noises, they don't make a fuss. It was strange for Hide, to see people not make a fuss when their books get forcefully taken away from them, their desks get vandalized, or their shoes go missing. Not a word. They never mentioned anything to anyone and instead take it in silence. They would help each other scrub the vandals off their desks, meekly ask for their books back and smile wryly when it gets roughed up before it was returned in a very bad shape, or patiently look for their shoes in every nook and cranny of the classroom. Sometimes Hide follows them and see them find it in garbage cans. Children can be cruel too, he forgot. That was another reason why he dislike them.

At first Hide just preferred to watch them from afar.

So he asks himself _why is he doing this_ when he found himself approaching the almost crying twins with their dirtied shoes in both of his hands one day.

School was over for almost an hour now, and as usual, someone hid the twins' shoes again.

They looked everywhere, and Hide knows there's no way the twins will ever find it this time. Hide followed the perpetrators and saw them throw it in the fields not too far away from the school.

"Hey," he calls out.

The twins turn and look at him, and Hide notices how there are already tears in their eyes.

He plays an act to show he's fidgeting before he raises the shoes to show them. "I..found these in the fields and er, yeah."

There was silence, and the twins gazed at him warily before they turned to look at each other, as if asking the other if Hide is an enemy or not before they approach with careful steps, hands trembling as they slowly reach out for their footwear in his hands.

"Thank…you, uh…" one of them said.

"Nagachika.. Nagachika Hideyoshi." He supplies.

"...Nagachika-san." The other one said.

"Oh, no. Please, just Hide. Hide is fine." Hide doesn't like the sound of his last name, to be honest.

"Hey, you guys are Sasaki Ken and Kaneki, right? We're in the same class together. I'm the guy sitting in the middle of the class. I guess we haven't introduced ourselves to each other properly yet, right?" He holds out a hand for a handshake.

The twins both nod at the mention of their respective names before shaking his hands gingerly. As if they never had any physical contact with someone else before. Hide doesn't doubt it.

He wonders why such well-mannered and timid people like them get bullied so much, when they seem like they could barely kill a fly. Is it because they are the type who doesn't fight back? He inwardly scoffed. Only the weak would do that.

"Hey," He says too loudly, the boys flinching at his sudden outburst.

"What if we became friends? Like best friends? I'm still kind of new here and haven't made any yet, so wanna be mine?"

Hide liked the way the boys' eyes glowed like stars on a starry night. The small smiles and the reddening of their faces (fluster?). They looked so hopeful. "Really?" "Are you sure about that?"

There was reluctance, children like these, they are bound to develop anxieties. Hide's decision is sincere though, so he says, without hesitation, brimming with confidence and assurance, "Yeah, why not? You guys looked pretty cool!"

Their smiles grow bigger, faces redder and as look down to gaze at their dirty shoes, they shyly nod.

Hide grins, teeth and all.

"That's a promise, then!"

Kaneki and Ken have an older brother called Haise.

He's very skilled and talented. He heard that Haise-san is supposed to be accelerated up to three levels but declined for some reason Hide did not know. He's more of a parent rather than a big brother, that's what Hide also noticed, but the siblings loved and treasured their absent mother the most.

Since Haise-san is so smart and way older than them, there are times the three of them consult and ask the eldest Sasaki for some help regarding their homework and topics they don't understand. He's very helpful, but there's one thing the three couldn't stand whenever Haise-san gets too much into it.

"…and that proves that the squire of the high pot and noose is equal to the sum of the squires of the two sides." Haise says in the tone of a cheery preschool story narrator, his hand holding a pencil like a stick of a conductor's is moving in waves, as he pronounces every syllable, word.

It took the three a few moments, repeatedly repeating the last sentences in their heads over and over before the children broke off into a scream of no's, a thick algebra book flying towards the eldest's head.

There is just something appealing to the elder boy's character that makes it hard for Hide to not to fall for his charms. They all love Haise-san, even Hide, but they all hate his horrible puns.

xv.

Mrs. Sasaki died of fatigue when they were 10.

It broke Ken and Kaneki's hearts.

Hide had always noticed how lonely the twins were, despite all the love their big brother gives them. A sibling's love will never fill the hole in them that yearns for a parent's. They always craved for it, their mother's affection, but her smiles and assurances were never enough. Not ever.

They needed her, and now she's gone.

Right after her death, the siblings were taken by a man called Arima. A family friend.

Haise finally accepted the acceleration. He wanted to become an adult faster, to care for his brothers, Hide heard him say.

Their guardian-Arima-is a busy man. Always off to work from morning 'till midnight. Most of the time he's not home, leaving the house to the three. It was no different from their old home where their mother is always never present. Always at work. Day and night.

But the twins still felt the difference nonetheless.

It took them a week after their mother's death before the twins got the courage to come out of the house and attend school again.

Hide was surprised to see them, too happy and ecstatic upon seeing his two favourite people. He ran, screaming, calling them out.

He felt them jump when his hands land on their shoulders too hard, but he can't help it, he missed them so much.

"Hey! How long did you two plan to stay out of school! I was so lonely on my own!" He tells them.

The look on their faces surprised Hide. It was disbelief. As if days without them by Hide's side truly made an impact on the other boy.

What were they thinking? Of course, he's lonely. They're his best friends. He love them. Hide huffs, pats them again on the shoulders, as if dusting them off. He tells them with a relieved smile, "It's good to see you guys again. Really missed you."

And they continue to walk to school together. All three of them.

Ken and Kaneki were smiling, but there were still hints of sadness reflected in their grey eyes. Hide couldn't do anything about it for now. He just have to give them time to lament for their loss, but he would make sure it wouldn't be for long.

The smiles on their faces give him hope.

Hide has yet to meet this Arima person, but he already dislike him.

From what he had gathered, Arima has quite the reputation.

His peers call him the Wünderkind, the child prodigy. He started doing co-ops at a very young age. He was so talented that they let a thirteen year old handle sensitive and dangerous operations. Hide thought that if Haise went into the program earlier, he would definitely be a little version of Arima.

Skilled, talented, Hide also heard that he's quite the merciless fellow.

He brought too many organizations down alone. He's hated by the so-called scums in the society for ruining their businesses.

Hide still remembers that day clearly as if it happened tomorrow. He doesn't think that the memory will ever go away, to be honest.

The three of them were walking home from school.

They usually go their own separate ways too soon since they live in different streets.

Not too long after they split in an intersection, Hide heard a screeching vehicle not too far away, then people screaming.

He was too late when he went back to take a look, heart pounding hard in his chest. Dread washed over him when he see a plateless vehicle running off, people flocking by the scene of the abduction. He overheard witnesses mention something about two young boys getting dragged into the vehicle before it ran off. Some say the boys could be twins.

It wasn't too long ago when the three of them split up and seeing no sign of the twins anywhere near the street made him wish that what his gut was currently telling him is wrong.

He's afraid that his instincts had never failed him.

 _There's no time to panic_ , he tells himself as he ran towards the police station. The twins loved hanging out there before with their older brother, so he knows the quickest route from school. A boy like him wouldn't be able to do a thing for now. He had to rely on the adults, no matter how another part of himself tells him it how useless they would be.

Those are no ordinary kidnappers. They're most definitely connected with the Sasaki brothers' guardian. He's sure of it.

He wishes for the best of Ken and Kaneki, hopes for the impossible.

That's all he could do for now.

Right after his report, Haise came as soon as he could. Out of breath and in the verge of crying. Hide can see how much the older boy had been trying to be strong.

They told Hide its best if he go home for now. He wanted to say no, but a look from Haise shut him up.

He'll only hold them back. A kid like him is no help at all. He didn't even get to see the twins' captors. He's practically useless. A dead weight.

Dejectely, he walks out of the station. He looks back once, on his way out of the door, giving the older brother one last look of concern. Meeting the older's eyes, Haise smiles. An assurance.

Hide knows that either of them can't do anything but wait for now.

The boys were abducted. Speculations say its kidnapping, but the immediate family has yet to receive a call. This is no ordinary kidnapping. Hide can tell that the kidnappers would never call for a ransom. They want something else in exchange for the boys.

For what they are, only one thing comes to mind.

He was a few blocks away when he hears a commotion happen in the headquarters. Police running around, people mumbling and whispering. Everyone started gathering by the entrance. Hide hurries back to see.

He managed to squeeze himself between people, but there were just too many of them at the front, so he couldn't truly approach whatever it is everyone is making a fuss about. He gets on his knees, tries to find any opening to squeeze through and there he sees it. It makes him pause for a second, a minute, for a long time. He felt his heart jump, seeing Ken in Haise's arms, both in tears.

Ken is alright and knowing this lessened the heavy weigh on his chest.

He sees Haise open his mouth, talking to Ken, looking very hopeful before looking around the crowd, as if searching for something.

Hide was confused for a moment when Ken starts wailing, his voice fills the entire room, and its an ugly noise. Hide couldn't stand it, neither does the people gathered around the brothers, but they all continue to watch, curious on how this little show would turn out.

Ken's wails caused Haise to go still, eyes wide.

Shouting and adults started running towards the brothers when Haise's eyes suddenly rolled behind his back and he fell, collapsing on the cold, marble floor with a loud thud.

"Get some water!" Hide heard someone say, as a policeman approach and hold the teenager, cradling him. Another approaches Ken, who started screaming for his brother when he collapsed.

Hide wanted to help, but then he got swallowed by the crowd.

He's still a child, he had forgotten; easily dismissed by the adults. A kid like him is no help at all.

Feeling useless, he couldn't do anything else but continue kneeling, hands darting down to the floor. His gaze falls down where his hands were at rest by the time the Sasaki siblings were completely swallowed by the panicked crowd, leaving him behind.

Hide sees Ken attend school a day later after his twin's abduction.

It didn't took long for the news to spread throughout their school. The kidnapping by the school gates brought fear within every students as well as the parents and teachers. Hide thinks that their fear is justified. Two school boys getting kidnapped not too far from the school. But there's no need to fear, really. Twenty-four hours had passed and they did not receive any calls about ransoms, so Hide's suspicion was right.

It was one of this Arima's enemies.

Arima is good at what he does. He heard how many big and influential people got taken down because of Arima, it is only normal that his enemies would be as strong and powerful themselves. Definitely mafia.

Other than the precaution everyone took after that, the story of how Kaneki managed to distract the kidnappers and let his twin escape became everyone's favourite topic.

Kaneki is so brave, so courageous. What a good brother, so selfless.

It is common knowledge that the twins were everyone's scapegoat. With Kaneki gone Ken has to shoulder twice the weight of abuse they receive. When he started hanging out with the two, everyone seemed to steer far away from them, scared of what the loud, playful new friend the two suddenly had but Ken started closing in on himself. He refused to talk to Hide. Refused any invitation to walk him home or sit with him during breaks. It left the boy vulnerable and Hide once again, was left powerless. There is nothing he could do about it but try to comfort the other whenever he sees him leave the building, clothes dirty and face wet with tears.

Ken seems like he started blaming himself, hating the fact that it was him who had to survive, but really, in Hide's thoughts, if Kaneki were to be in Ken's shoes right now, he would probably think the same. The twins work and think like one person. Without the other, they are sure to collapse and fall in on themselves.

It would ruin them, Ken and Kaneki.

Ten days.

Ten painful days they waited with bated breath. Haise was restless most of the time, walking here and there in their living room, looking at the door at every chance he got, as if waiting for a knock, a call, from the authorities who have his brother with them, safe and sound.

There's nothing wrong in hoping for the best, but Hide had learned a long time ago that instead for the best, its better to hope for the worst, in case things didn't end up the way we expect them to be, at least we were prepared to accept it, in the least.

That's what Haise lacked. What Ken had unknowingly thought. What Hide hated to do but had no choice in the matter. It would ruin them all if they were all to break down if the worst had happened to Kaneki.

Ten days is a long time, after all.

When the call finally comes, Hide and Ken were in school, wasting the day away with self-study periods. Mid-term exams are coming soon, after all.

The bell rang, signalling the students that its time to go home, Hide sees right outside their classroom door a person, whom he recognized as one of the cops in the headquarters. They're looking for Ken.

Something's up, but Hide is not of kin, so he was left again. The person told him as waits for Ken to grab his things that "It's for the best."

Hide hopes so too.

Turns out it wasn't.

The next day, Ken didn't show up for school. Missed a lot of things, important pointers from their teachers about the upcoming exams, Well, that's what the teachers told them anyway. School is important. More than your family, it seems.

When school was over, he ran straight to the Sasaki's, knocked on their gates hard and screamed. He won't take no for an answer this time.

The silence and the heavy atmosphere made him uneasy, so uneasy. He wants to know what's going on.

He stops when he sees the front door open, there comes out a man in spectacles, tall and massive. He eyes Hide for a while, saying nothing as he approaches the gate and opens it wide for the boy to have a better look at the man.

They were trapped in a staring contest, until Hide managed to speak, he wished his voice didn't quiver, but then again, why wouldn't it? He's a child still compared to this man who was currently looming over him with that impassive look on his face, calculating his every move, reaction.

"I—is Ken here?"

Something lights up behind the man's glasses and he opens the gate wider, a silent invitation.

And so Hide enters. Into the gate, into the front door, he almost forgets to take off his shoes until he hears a voice telling him to before throwing his bag next to it and running into Ken and Kaneki's shared room.

Opening the door is no problem, the twins never locked their doors, too trusting in their older brother and guardian not to enter without permission and invade their privacy.

What he sees makes him want to rub his eyes, see if he's dreaming.

Ken is on their shared bed, sitting in the corner by the wall, knees tucked under his arms, head bowed low. Next to him is a person who appears to be sleeping. Seems to be around their age, his back turned to him. Hide had sworn he had never met a boy in the Sasaki household who has white hair. Who is this boy?

"…Ken?"

Slowlly, Hide sees Ken move his head, turn up just enough to reveal a tired eye. Before he says anything else, he jumps when he feels a warm hand land on his shoulder rather firmly.

"The boys are still tired from yesterday, I think it's best if you leave for now."

It was the bespectacled man from before.

"Arima…san," he hears Ken mutter and Hide turns his head towards the man behind him.

This is him? The so-called Arima Kishou?

As Hide was led out of the house, before closing the gate, Arima looks at him up and down, before leaning down to get a proper look at his face. He mutters, more to himself than to Hide, "Have I seen your face somewhere before?"

Hide, somewhat bewildered, shouts as he runs away, "No!"

A few days after that, a boy enters the classroom with Ken in tow, who sat quietly in Kaneki's seat. Hide first notices the white hair, as well as the rest of the class, who were all quiet and in a cluster to have a good look at this new kid with the strange-looking hair.

When a teacher came in and everyone ran back to their respective seats and said their respects, the teacher said, "We're happy you can come back with us again, Sasaki Kaneki-kun." As they smile sincerely at the white-haired boy, face showing no trace of emotion. His hands are intertwined under his chin, he merely nods, avoiding eye-contact. The smile was too much for his mind.

A heavy, suffocating air settles in Hide's lungs as he feels the tension in the room.

Too much things has happened to these boys. There was a moment he doubted if the twins could ever fix this by themselves. If being with the other is enough to heal the wounds that came with this tragedy.

As of right now, if someone were to ask Hide on what he honestly thinks, he'll tell as he takes in a deep breath-

-No one knows.

xvi.

Kaneki is back but it never felt like the missing sasaki boy has truly returned home.

They all knew that if there ever was (it was painful to hear for the brothers, but the possibility is very high) a chance that Kaneki were to be found and rescued, he would never be the same again. The people (Hide thinks they don't deserve such title anymore at this point) who took him are cruel, they would not think twice about mutilating a boy for petty reasons as a "little scare". This is their job.

Kaneki returned to them filled with the signs.

He was brutally tortured, traumatized, raped, dehumanized.

Leaving a boy naked in the middle of the street to fend for himself, almost blind for this is his first time in ten days ever seeing light. Legs wobbly, barely holding him up, body hurting all over.

Hide wasn't able to get much other than the rumours about how Kaneki's fingernails were pulled from his fingers, how some of his teeth were pulled, his hair turning white because of excruciating pain a boy's mind couldn't handle, and a "little deaf" (in which ear, or maybe both, he would never know) because they stuck a long hard stick into his ear just for fun.

There are some kids, who were so, so stupid. They really are, for cornering the twins, threatening Kaneki to tell them his tale or else they'll hurt his twin. After all, he saved his twin once so saving him again wouldn't be a problem, right? Besides, this is easier, All he have to do is sit with them, and tell them a good story. His story. About his hair, his nails, everything. That's not much, right?

They wait, wait and wait until their patience grow thin, watching the freaky-looking twin do nothing but stare at them blankly, eyes occasionally shifting from them to his twin who is shaking and in the verge of tears because he fears not for his safety but his brother's. He wanted to know too, but _not like this_. _Oh god, no. Please._

They start to get really, really impatient and they pull Ken's hair, another hand threatening to land on his face. They don't notice Kaneki cracking his knuckles.

They merely laugh when they see Kaneki's eyes on them, hard and steely and apathetic.

Ken's screams echoed throughout the halls, the floor, and soon teachers and students found them. The stupid, stupid kids were found black and blue and broken, Ken crying, his knees planted to the cold floor, and Kaneki cracking his knuckles that were covered in someone else's blood.

After that Hide found himself forcefully squeezing back into the twins' lives because he just couldn't stand it anymore. Seeing them wreck each other from the inside-out without even knowing it themselves.

Kaneki has reasons why he suddenly distanced himself to his twin, Ken has his own on why he just stood there and accepted everything that gets him shoved into.

Hide doesn't like what he is seeing. It pains him to see his precious people hurt themselves under the notion of doing it for the other's sake. They're destroying themselves. So Hide thought about putting this into his own hands.

Well, he tried. He really did.

Most would think the twins are no longer the same person, when in reality, beneath all those eyes and hair and whatever else that everyone thought made the twins more distinct than before they are still the same through and through. Kaneki is stubborn, stubborn to not ask for help, for his brother's comfort. He would rather suffer the nightmares on his own in his own little world like how Ken refused to let anyone in in his that he made on his own. Both had left their sanctuaries, in search for comfort for themselves, stubbornly believing both can live without the other when it would never be.

Hide tried to push them back together, tried to make them a new place to call their own where they can be themselves again, no more worries or anxieties about rejection and pain.

But they're stubborn. They really are, the both of them.

In the end, Hide felt like giving up himself.

Hide supposes that everyone has a fuse that would one day run out and he's no exception.

He always thought he was a very patient person. The type who would sit and wait and wait and wait until things go the way they wanted it. He never realized he's never that type. He never knew until that day.

He got too impatient, too worried when it took longer for Ken to come out and meet him by the gates after school. Ken was in charge of the day's cleaning duty, so Hide told him that he'll be waiting for Ken by the gates so they can walk home together.

He found Ken at the back of the building, where students go to put the trash out. It seems like those kids were at it again, must've waited for Ken at the back because they know he's in charge today. Ken is supposed to be with a partner but they left halfway the work because of some errand Hide thinks is just an excuse to skip. Ken believed anyway.

Hide knows he won't be able to take these kids on. There's like five or six of them, not too tall or big but numbers would overwhelm him. He doubts he and Ken can come out of it safely.

So he did what he's always good at.

Deception.

He walked a few, then a dozen and more steps backwards, away from the fray, before running back, shouting, as he looks behind him and waves to make a show that someone is following him.

From how these kids bring themselves, they like to mess with people weaker than them, but they care enough for what others would think of them. The types who smile and act like angels in front of the adults and once their backs face them, they would kick and hurt and abuse people they think inferior to them.

Hide knows what he needs to do to scare them off.

"Teacher! There they are!"

Hide felt himself smile when he see them scramble and run away. He adds, just for the heck of it, " Hey! I saw your faces!"

They were too scared to linger long enough to see that there was teacher following Hide behind. Cowards, indeed.

Hide's smile drops when he sees his friend's condition.

"Oh, Ken," He breathes out, in relief and worry.

An eye is swollen he couldn't open them completely and Hide winces. He kneels down to whisper at the boy, hands gently guiding him back up on his feet.

"Come on, I'll get you home." He tells him as Ken winces in his hold.

There was a bit of hesitation in Ken's voice, as it cracks when he tells him, "Please don't tell them."

Hide felt his heart squeeze painfully in his chest when he hears Ken say those words, and he looks away in hopes to ease it. Hide notices a crown of white hair by the corner of the building, Kaneki standing and watching them with a straight face, unable to express what he truly feels.

For a moment, Hide felt furious, an emotion he never imagined he'd ever feel for his best friend, but he can't help it. If it wasn't for Kaneki practically abandoning his brother to fend for his own then this wouldn't have happened, but Hide knows its not his fault. Its not their fault.

Hide forces out a laugh that did not come out right, "Okay, but it's sort of too late."

It's hard to see Ken's legs give out on him as he sobs.

Hide felt like it was him who was beaten at that time.

"Fix this." He tells Kaneki firmly, like how he shoved the medicine kit into the other's arms before storming off the Sasaki household.

The look Kaneki gave him at that time was of doubt, as if saying " _You put too much faith in me."_

Hide really did. He still does, actually.

xvii.

The next time Hide saw them was the day after that.

It felt like years when he last saw them like that, sitting close as they eat lunch together. No one says anything about it, but eyes dart towards the pair every now and then because Hide is not the only one who felt like it has been years since they saw the twins together like this again, despite the way they act towards each other. As if both were strangers to each other.

Lots of things had changed. Kaneki changed, as well as Ken so Hide thinks this is normal, for the twins to approach this rather delicately. But at least they're making progress. That's what he is happy about.

"He took me to his club meeting."

Ken mutters to Hide as they walk home. Turns out that Kaneki has obligations to his club, and so was never available to walk home with his brother. Ken says its fine though, because he quite enjoyed these walks with Hide from time to time.

 _("_ Just from time to time?" He asked Ken before, pouting and faking hurt. He only got shoved by a red-faced Ken telling him to "shut up.")

"Oh? How was it?" Hide asks, aiming to keep Ken talking.

At this, Ken avoids eye-contact, looks away as if he's looking for birds in the sky. Face growing quite red, he replies, "O-oh, its fine."

 _Liar._ "Ken, saying that meeting Kaneki's friends is fine is like saying the Goblet of Fire's movie adaptation is _fine_." He emphasizes on the word fine by raising both hands to make quotation marks in the air.

Ken bristles at that, but drops the topic entirely when he says, "They nicknamed the book club _Anteiku."_

"Huh…"

"They said that's because Yoshimura-sensei once planned to open a coffee shop with his late wife but then his wife…yeah."

Hide was sucking on his teeth as he listens. His lips make a popping noise when he opens his mouth to reply, "Wow."

Ken nods shakily, "…yeah,"

"Don't tell me that's all you guys did yesterday. Talk about Yoshimura-sensei's dream coffee shop."

There was a very long silence before Ken replies, "Y-yeah. That's all what we did." Nodding to himself, finding an answer he likes as he rubs his chin in mock concentration.

Hide snorts. _Yeah, right._

* * *

 ** _E/N:_ I know everyone is sick of that building scene. Don't worry, me too  
Who knew slow burn is slow, right?**

 **Time to go back to my responsibilities orz**

 **(I loved this au so much I wanted my sister read it for herself but she...got grossed out?**  
 **? ? ?)**


End file.
